My mum (70) and I (40) are close, have long chats every week on the phone and enjoy seeing each other. However, our relationship has always been a bit competitive and “niggly”. As a teenager I was very impatient with her and though I have always wished to grow out of this habit, it remains a fault of mine and I snap at her very easily. I know there is nothing new in a daughter finding her otherwise much-loved mother irritating, and I don’t want to start listing all the things about her that I think trigger my reactions.
The fact is that if I never got snappy with her, our relationship would be easier. I would like to be able to breathe deeply and overlook comments that bring me out in a rash. It also causes my partner stress, as he hates seeing me behave like that. My own good intentions haven’t helped me over the last 15 years and I don’t know how to make things better. I think it’s probably counter-productive to start telling Mum all the reasons why she annoys me I’d rather focus on changing the way I react to her.
Short of counting to ten after each sentence, can you advise me on how to be nicer to my poor mum?
Dear Dee,
Nov 17, 2018 - Disagreements happen but when your adult children are fighting. Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get. “United siblings are so much stronger than divided siblings,” remarks Fishel.
It is refreshing to read a letter from somebody who takes responsibility for their part of a tricky relationship. Often we prefer to blame others rather than to acknowledge any fault in ourselves. Recognising the problem is the first step to change - so be encouraged you are well on your way to improving the relationship.
However, before you let your mother off the hook completely – it is worth asking yourself whether there are any unresolved issues from your past? Did she hurt or disappoint you in any major way? Are you holding anything against her? Sometimes an old wound that hasn’t healed can cause recurring irritations in a relationship. If that rings true for you - then it could be worth you trying to work through the issue with her (or a therapist) and forgiving her if possible.
It could be that your irritation at your mother stems from your own unmet needs. Sometimes adults behave like petulant children when they are around their parents - looking to get something from them or punishing them for not being all that they wanted them to be. Part of growing up is about learning to relate adult to adult, to accept our parents as they are and to become a giver as well as a receiver. If you find yourself behaving like a demanding 15 year old – try to keep asking yourself how you can be a blessing to your mother rather than focusing on what she is or isn’t doing for you.
It’s important to remember no parent is perfect. Sometimes daughters have to become mothers themselves before they really understand that. I have had a few friends who have had tricky relationships with their mothers but the birth of their own children has helped them to become more appreciative of everything their mothers have done for them over the years. However, whether you become a mother or not, it is worth practising your gratitude and appreciation of her. Focus on all the reasons you love her. Write them down and remind yourself of them and try telling her some of them too. And if there are moments when you want to express something critical – try to make sure you say five nice things for every one negative one. That’s because harsh words stick much longer than kind ones.
If you asked your partner – would he say that you were very similar to your mother or very different? I ask because we often become annoyed or irritated with people who remind us of ourselves (even if we don’t realise it) or people who are so different we struggle to “get them”. If you mother is very similar to you then use the irritation to learn about yourself. Ask yourself, “Do I do that too”? If you do – your challenge will be to accept the behaviour in yourself or if you can’t to change it.
If your mother is very different than you, then take the opportunity to understand her and to appreciate what might be positive about the opposite way of being or doing something. If her attitudes, habits or ways of doing things are very different to yours, then ask why that might be?
I recommend discovering more about her childhood and background and why she is like she is. How was she parented? Did she copy that model or did she react against it? Understanding why someone behaves like they do can often help us to accept them better. One friend of mine used to get frustrated with her mother’s hoarding and refusal to throw anything away. When she understood what it was like for her mum growing up during the war with rationing and having to move home dozens of times (with very little belongings or toys), she became much more sympathetic.
Those are just a few suggestions, which hopefully may help. But your idea of counting to ten isn’t a bad one either. Next time she irritates you, take a deep breath, think how much you love her and ask yourself whether what you are about to say is either helpful or kind? If it isn’t find a way of expressing yourself in a better way or decide to let it go. Hopefully with practice and time, you’ll find your reactions improving, your attitude softening and your relationship becoming even stronger.
CONTACT SARAH ABELL
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